The past molds a person’s present and future. No matter how much you try to hide it or leave it behind, it shapes you, leaves a mark on you, influences the decisions you make. Amerix knew too well how much of a monster the past can be. She was still trapped in its claws and some days she would struggle, struggle to pry open it one talon at a time. Most days she would just leave its thick fleshy fingers surrounding her. It was easier that way, being held in its tight grip instead of breaking your fingers trying to loosen yourself from a hopeless situation.
She was never the girl she used to be. She’d been happy, joyful, innocent, believing that the world was a good kind place. She would laugh freely, talk uninhibitedly, and trust wholeheartedly. Her dad called her Sunshine, likening her to the sun that never truly set but was a constant source of explosions of light. That was all before she entered Beauxbatons Academy of Magic at eleven years old. She had to leave home, leave her parents to study there. And at such a young age, living in a foreign country, taking care of herself left her drowning in the deep end. Oh, there was no language barrier. Growing up in Switzerland, she was fluent in French, German and Italian. It was the social barrier that proved to be a problem. Being an only child, being homeschooled resulted in a lack of social skills. She was sure her outgoing personality would have her making friends in no time but it was that very thing that made her the target of the resident bully.
That first day of school, she had tried making friends. She sat with someone in each class, struck up conversations, and joined other students at lunch. She thought she had made acquaintances and that was a start…until she overheard some purebloods complaining about her annoying bubbliness and a bunch of halfbloods agreeing with them. She took it personally. How could she not? She had yet to learn not to be so sensitive, to take everything with a grain of salt. It only went downhill from there. Jackson, the school bully, would arouse his buddies and make fun of her, talking in her tone of voice, copying her mannerisms and humiliating her. That lasted two years.
The principal and teachers couldn’t do anything. He was the principal’s son and descended from a line of prestigious purebloods. He was untouchable. Amerix didn’t know how she survived that long. The only thing that seemed to keep her head above the water was studying and losing herself in the world of fiction. Every spare moment found her in the library, sitting alone. She became quiet. If they bullied her because she was lively, she would try and be quiet. Then they bullied her for being a loner, for being too quiet. They beat her down, emotionally, mentally until she was just a shadow of who she had been. Then Haley came.
Haley’s family had relocated, forcing her to change schools. She was a Hufflepuff. They became the best of friends. Haley was well-liked by the school and through her, Amerix got to know other students. Their friendship was strong, binding. Haley became the anchor in Amerix’s drifting ship, a port in a storm, the eye of the hurricane. Amerix met a guy through Haley. Jayzon was his name. He became her friend too and the three of them would spend time together. Amerix began confiding in them, letting them know her hopes, her secrets, her dreams. His hobby was photography and she became his subject. They would spend ages taking photographs. Amerix and Haley would go shopping for the right clothes or re-use old ones and recreate them to become more fashionable.
Then one day after the photo session, Amerix was walking down the hallway in school. She was met with open eyed stares. Cornered by Jackson, a picture was shoved at her face. Amerix’s eyes burned when she saw it. No…it couldn’t be…he couldn’t have. It was a picture of her in a rather compromising position wearing rather revealing clothes. She insisted that she did not have that picture willingly taken. No, he had called her out of the changing room before she had gotten dressed. He’d tried to kiss her, told her he liked her as more than a friend. She’d been shocked to realize that his lips were locked on her. She’d closed her eyes as a natural reaction to his face coming suddenly near hers like how anyone would close their eyes when a hand or a snap or a clap came right in front of their eyes. She hadn’t spotted the camera that captured their picture before she could pull away.
Jackson wouldn’t even let her explain. Jayzon was his buddy and he had said that Amerix left him hanging to dry after giving herself to him; that she had made him sleep with her in return for helping him with his homework. She spent the whole day scrubbing off nasty names sprayed in paint on her locker and in the bathrooms; cleaning out unrecognizable foul-smelling things stuffed into her locker; burning heart-wrenching notes slipped into her bag. Haley was with her through it all, apologizing profusely for introducing her to him. It was not her fault, Amerix would insist.
Day after day she received stares, shoves, notes, letters and countless other things that tore her soul apart. Students avoided her like she carried a contagious disease. Every day without fail, someone would trip her, push her do something to make her fall. She’d receive weekly beatings in an obscure alley at the hands of Jackson. The only person keeping her together, barely together, was Haley. She kept her presence of mind and was like a beacon of light streaming from a lighthouse to guide Amerix on through tumultuous waves to safety. Don’t worry, it will soon be over, she would say. And it was. Although there was still hostility and no one became her friend, the violence blew over and she only had to face a ruined reputation, being ignored by the whole student body and bearing labels that would burn the ears of the most seasoned name-caller.
And then one day something happened. It was almost too good to be true that at first, Amerix refused to believe it. She should never have believed it. He was the new kid, transferred from another wizarding school. She in Ravenclaw and he in Slytherin. She should have run when she knew which house he was in. But she stayed; her first mistake. She stayed and allowed herself to be drawn in by the hazel eyes, by the humour, by the smile that sent her heart racing every time it curved his lips.
He’d sat with her at lunch, told her that he didn’t believe the things that the other students were saying about her, told her that he thought she was amazing for being able to handle it all, told her everything she wanted to hear. Haley and her parents started warning her about him. Haley said she didn’t feel right about him, like there was something off about him, like he was hiding something from her. He made her skin crawl was what she said. Amerix waved it off, said that she was just imagining it. After all, a handsome guy who was almost perfect liked her, didn’t mind her past, paid attention to her.
They became an official couple a month later. All was perfect. They spent time together, shared stories, shared meals, laughed and had fun. He called her ‘Amy’, the only person in her life to ever do so. Everything was a dream come true. Except for Haley. They got into a verbal fight over him. Oh no, Haley didn’t like him. She just wouldn’t stop dropping a warning here and there. Amerix had enough of it. Why was her best friend trying to prevent her from being happy? She found out some terrible things about him, Haley would say; his family had to move because he got in trouble with the law. Amerix would brush it off, accuse Haley of jealousy. It went on until one day, Haley broke. Sharp words were exchanged and their friendship terminated. Four months into her relationship with her boyfriend, Amerix found out the truth.
Throughout their short relationship, her boyfriend had been trying to get closer to her, physically. They would share a few kisses but after a while, his hands would wander. Amerix would set boundaries, tell him she felt uncomfortable with certain things and he would graciously back away. Then one night she visited him in his home. They were just supposed to watch a movie together, spend alone time since his parents were away. What could go wrong? Everything. Before she knew it, she was struggling under his muscular body, screaming for him to stop, hitting him in as many places as she could get. She barely registered his exasperated comment that he had waited long enough, that he had to win the bet, that he wanted to claim the most beautiful girl in school as his own.
Pure terror lent strength to Amerix’s limbs. Somehow, her foot found a weak spot on his stomach which sent him buckling into two. She scrambled away, exited the house, adrenaline pumping in her veins as she concealed herself in a dark spot. If he did come after her, she knew she could never out run him. But he didn’t. It took her a few moments to calm herself down and concentrate before apparating to Haley’s home. She didn’t know how Haley would receive her but it was the only place she could think of to go. She couldn’t bear to go back home and face her parents so soon. They were sure to ask her what happened and lecture her for Merlin knows how long.
Haley received her with open arms, the forgiving soul that she was. Not a hint of ‘I told you so’ came out of her mouth. Amerix didn’t cry. She couldn’t. She was too angry, too frustrated, too confused. She blamed herself and no one else. After sending an owl to her parents informing them she would be staying the night at Haley’s, she curled up on the bed in the guest room. That night, that dark silent night she tried to explain his actions, why he did what he did, said what he said. She forced herself to believe every explanation she came up with no matter how flimsy it was. She stayed awake that night trying to mend the million pieces that was her heart.
He didn’t talk to her during the weekend. In school on Monday, he cornered her apologising saying that it was his love for her that made him do that. He apologised, he pleaded, he explained. Amerix listened. After all, she believed in second chances. How wrong she was! A day later, she walked into him sucking the lips of another girl in an empty classroom. It was then she cried, cried as she ran to the bathroom, cried for her foolishness, her naivety, her stubbornness. She cried for her brokenness, cried for wasted emotions, cried for all the victims of that boy. She cried.
Haley found her. Held her, said nothing. There was nothing to say. No one knew how long they stayed in that embrace. Haley broke the silence, took her to their treehouse. She didn’t even try cheering her up, she knew it wouldn’t work. Nothing would work but her company, just her being there, offering her presence. They spent the rest of their last year in school patching Amerix up. But she was never the same. She couldn’t be. She was a porcelain lamp giving light to the room until someone pushed it over, shattering it, making it unrecognisable. Then it was lovingly patched up but no matter how carefully it was put into place, lines, scars still remained, defining each piece. Because that’s who she is, who she was made up of. She was pieces of her past, pieces of everyone in her life, pieces of a real heart.
